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Yeah I have my addictions
I keep my share of secrets
And things you'll never see
I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention to my insecurities
Yes my heart breaks for the homeless
I worry about my parents
And all my bills are late
Yeah I I'm dealing with the changes
This complicated strangeness
I'm seeing life this way
I'm just like everybody else
I try, Lord I try to love Jesus send my soul
I don't know what you believe
What you think or what you see
But this is a part of me
What I do and who I am
I laugh at silly movies
I cry when I see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
Yeah I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready to ever be alone
Don't be afraid who you are
Celebrate who you are
What you do, what you feel, what you see, who you are...
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| still kickin' |
| 04.06.04 (8:53 pm) [edit] |
I'm still around. Haven't found a ton of time to blog. Someone whom I didn't realize knew I had a blog has been conveniently passing by quite often. Good way to keep up on my guy status without having to ask. *eyeroll* Needless to say it kind of pissed me off. Which is more of the reason why I haven't updated recently. I'll sit down here soon I suppose.
Until then; I miss all you folks, hope life is treating you well, it has been treating me wonderfully ;)
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| Words of Wisdom from a good friend: |
| 04.06.04 (8:50 pm) [edit] |
"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, THEY are amazing! They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Got this on one of those feel good emails and wanted to share.
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| The word for the day is; COMMUNICATION |
| 03.26.04 (3:24 pm) [edit] |
We talked last night, from 10 to about 3am. We established he'd been spending a lot of time thinking about us, and he was still very upset that I hung out with Addy. That he wanted to be ready for all that comes along with a serious relationship. He wanted to make sure I wasn't selling myself short. He wanted to get his finances in order so he didn't always have that lurking over him. He wanted to be to the point that if the pregnancy scare came that he would be totally ok with it. All valid points.
I explained that I understood his need to analyze and I respected that. Better than jumping to conclusions right? I asked that he respect me enough to let me know he had something to sit on instead of going on a two week hiatus. Granted, he needs to learn to let people help him through things instead of pushing everyone away, but that's another battle for another day.
I let him know that I felt like I gave and did my best to understand his POV, but he needed to give me that in return and see where I was coming from and meet me in the middle. He agreed. He apologized several times. I didn't necessarily want an apology, just a recognition of a need for change. However, it did make me feel better that he realized how much it hurts me and apologized.
Now we're back at baby steps. We agreed that we needed to spend more quality time, instead of quick throwing in a half hour here and there. That's a large improvement right there! Today we are going to go out rollerblading since it is nearly 70 degrees here. Perfect timing for him to have an odd schedule day and get off at 6pm.
I really was ready to call it quits yesterday, but I'm glad I didn't. I really tried to analyze my feelings for other people who have expressed interest. I have basically 3 options right now. One has his shit together, just finished school, has his own business going, etc. One is in college, on his way to medical school, and so on. The last has shit figured out to a T, everything but his love life of course. When really broken down, all of them look perfect on paper. That doesn't make up for how someone makes you feel though. Spending that time just talking last night made me fall for John all over again. Yes, times were heated and unpleasant, but I knew him and I knew how he was going to respond and such. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I guess feelings overpower reason for me. I'd rather be madly in love and happy, than financially set and getting by emotionally. I'll make ends meet, I'll find a way to raise my family if I have a husband that I fall in love with more everyday. Cliche: Money can't buy happiness.
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| something's got to give... |
| 03.25.04 (1:34 pm) [edit] |
that title still fits things nicely.
I've been frustrated with things for some time, and I decided to confront the problem today. I make the phonecall to voice my frustrations. Explain that I'm tired of only seeing my boyfriend once a week and it's because I initiate it. I feel like all I do is give, and I don't receive much back. It really doesn't take much to please me, but apparently respecting me and caring about me is too much to ask. He freaked out and told me that it sounded like my mind was made up and if I was going to tell him to fuck off that I should just do it. That's really not what I meant, but if that's what he wants to hear I'm assuming he wanted to say it and couldn't.
I can't force him to love me, I can't force him to stay with me. I think I deserve those things. I deserve to have someone that misses me when I'm gone. I deserve someone who is going to love me all the time and not only when it's convenient. I deserve someone who wants to give me the world that I give them, and more.
It's really hard, and it really hurts. But if that's the way he wants it, I can't change his mind. He has the potential to be such an amazing significant other, but not right now. I don't know what he needs, but I can't give it to him.
I still have strong feelings for him, and as much as I don't want to admit it I still have that spark of hope that someday...someday... How realistic that is, well I don't know. We're supposed to sit down and talk about things tonight. I'm sure that will consist of me being calm and trying to talk about things, and him getting really upset and tuning out everything I say. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to it.
I just have the lurking question of can I do better.
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| Innocent until proven guilty...3 times? |
| 03.22.04 (5:28 pm) [edit] |
n May 8, 1990, Rebecca O'Connell disappeared. Her body was discovered the next day. Donald Moeller was charged with the rape and murder of Rebecca. The State filed a death penalty notice under SDCL 23A-27A-2, alleging several aggravating factors. Moeller was tried, convicted, and sentenced to death. On appeal, the South Dakota Supreme Court reversed the decision because the trial court erroneously admitted evidence of Moeller's prior bad acts. A second trial was held after which Moeller was again convicted and sentenced to death by lethal injection. On direct appeal, the South Dakota Supreme Court affirmed the second conviction and sentence.
In today's news...
http://www.keloland.com/NewsDetail9.cfm?Id=22" title="http://www.keloland.com/NewsDetail9.cfm?Id=22" target="_blank"http://www.keloland.com/NewsD...,30806
This is said to be the most gruesom killing ever in the state of South Dakota. When is enough enough? Do we continually let this convicted killer appeal and waste tax payers time and money?
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| tired |
| 03.22.04 (1:16 pm) [edit] |
I'm so tired today, I had horrible dreams last night. I haven't been sleeping well on account of housesitting anyways, but John came and stayed with me (after a long talk we're ok now-for now anyways) so I thought I'd sleep better. No soup, I had dreams about being attacked. I lived in a farm house with no visible neighbors. A bunch of cars caravaned in and surrounded the house and were shooting at me as I ran from window to window to see if I had a way out. I remember waking up once and telling John about it, I guess he was up because I was thrashing all over in my sleep.
I don't know that I really understand dreams or what they mean. I guess I put more weight on how I feel, not what happened. Because really how realistic is that at all? The feelings were very real though. I think it kinda has something to do with feeling like everyone is against me. From John, to my mom, to my friend Amanda, we all kinda had it out yesterday. I was pretty emotionally charged when I went to bed, so I supposed it explains it.
Anyway, I'm super tired and think I'm going to go take a nap.
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| I'm digging my own grave |
| 03.21.04 (10:30 am) [edit] |
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My mom asks me what I did last night. I tell her, and she freaks out. I get this huge shitstorm about how I'm fucking things up, I'm asking to get kicked to the curb, and if I mess this up how pissed she is going to be at me. Awesome. I guess I understand why John would be upset, kinda. Ultimately I want Addy and Cory to hook up, but whatever I can't do anything right. I'm sorry I don't have other friends and I'm trying to make do with what I've got. Shitty that I have to hang out with her, but I don't have anyone. So I'll stay home because I don't really have any other venues to meet people, and I'll get bitched at either way because then I'm staying home which is apparently wrong too. Fucking awesome.
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| I can't win |
| 03.21.04 (9:16 am) [edit] |
Last night my friend Cory wanted to hang out. However, he feels the need to make a lot of sexual comments and hits on me. It's all in good fun but sometimes a girl just doesn't want to deal with that ya know. So I was kinda holding off on hanging out with him. Well this girl Addy (also John's ex) is nagging on Cory to hang out. She totally wants him and he doens't want her, so he doesn't wanna hang out one on one either. Me being the big girl was like, hell lets all just go out together. This same scenario almost happened the night before as well, so I had called John and cleared it with him first. He was way cool and said he didn't care, and assured me that it was good that I was getting out. Ok, so we all went out last night and went to everyone's bar of choice, Nutty's. Of course we ran into some other Warper's. (We're all on a chat forum called warpreality and we all hang out there a lot, just happens to be quite a few SD people on the site) I talked to some of them for a little bit, then some of them came and sat with us, it was a good time.
John calls me at like 230, piss drunk mind you. He freaks out about why the hell I was with Addy and Cory. How he doesn't like that mix and what was I trying to accomplish. I was like wow this is why I asked you first. Then he went on about how I was going to end up with Cory or whatever. He was pissed off because I "replaced him real quick". Holy wow.
Then this morning he calls me and asks what we talked about last night. I tell him and he doesn't really remember, of course. I re-explain everything, at which point he says he doesn't remember me asking him the night before if it was ok.
I just feel stupid. He wants me to go out. I'm trying to establish new friendships and all my friends live in different states. I'm trying to make a friend out of Cory and it was kinda going to take Addy to make that happen. What I'd like to happen is Cory and Addy to hook up and it would take the heat off of me and I wouldn't have to listen to Cory's whining about not having anyone. Also, Addy wouldn't be a factor anymore because, well, he'd decide he likes her.
Hopefully this all gets written off because it's pretty silly. I'm supposed to hang out with John today when he gets back into town. I don't want this shit to be the straw that breaks the camel's back because John is kinda being weird lately and I have no idea what's going to set him off.
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| boys=confusion |
| 03.20.04 (12:55 pm) [edit] |
begin gramatical blunder and rambling...
John and I talked for a long time and he was telling me that I can do better and he cant give me what I need. he feels like he's stepping two steps ahead of where he's ready to be because thats what I need and its not fair to either of us. and theres probably someone whos more ready for what I am and he's just holding me back because he's not sure what he wants. he kept telling me how awesome I am, and how happy I make him, and how much he loves me. then in the next breath he'd say all that negative shit.
basically it all came down to he's scared. he's making every excuse in the book to run. I dont even know what to say to him. I feel like if love were easy it wouldnt be so rewarding. i dont feel ripped off in this, i feel fortunate. i feel happy, i dont want something else. if I did i wouldnt still be sticking around. then we saw eachother and everything was fine. i dont know if he just needs to let out his fears and make them known but is still willing to see where this goes or what. im happy right where im at, if I wanted more I'd go get it. simple as that.
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| that's right bizzo |
| 03.19.04 (2:32 pm) [edit] |
I'm toodling along enjoying the day when I think, "hey, I should stop and get bulbs to replace my tail light". I stop at Kmart, get my stuff and am leaving. I pull out of my spot ever so slowly to avoid the 95 year old couple creeping behind my car, then proceed to drive slowly through the parking lot as it is overpopulated with dinosaurs.
Along the way I pass two women who were pretty dressed up for Kmart. I continue on slowly, apparently I splashed one of them on the way by. They felt the need to scream "bitch" like a fucking hose beast.
Ok, so I've got an attitude and if you're gonna call me a bitch I'm gonna earn it. I felt she overreacted so I was going to earn my title.
I then throw my seat back into ghetto ho mode, crank up my subs with some loud ass rap, put on my sunglasses and roll back around to visit my new friend. I turned the corner slowly, gave her the most polite and apologetic wave I could muster up, waited a second, then hammered past the cunt while she was walking through a lake-like puddle.
Fuckin' right. NOW I'm a bitch!
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| doobie doobie doo |
| 03.18.04 (8:17 pm) [edit] |
I'm bored. My tummy hurts. Maybe because I've only eaten like a pound of Runts today and some kool-aid. I should eat. Nah, I should go to bed. I need a snuggle buddy. I hope I find something to do this weekend. Doubtful, I'm still in friggin South Dakota. I'm hungry for something with gravy. Like with steak. Milk too, one percent though. Thoia thoia thoi athoing. Well I'm bored and dumber for writing this. Tata.
*end mindless ramble*
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| She lives! |
| 03.17.04 (1:15 pm) [edit] |
I haven't blogged in quarter to forever. Seems like there just hasn't been the time, but I don't really know what I've been doing.
One weekend we went to Omaha and went shopping. Went to Harrah's casino too, eventhough I'm not much for gambling it was fun to go.
I got asked to leave my job and nanny for a family. They offered to double my salary. However they found out they weren't pregnant like they had thought. I couldn't make a decision I felt really good about, so I'm kinda glad they made it for me-for now anyways.
Tonight I have to babysit until 10, boo. Extra cash though. John may be going out of town to DJ for a party or something. None of my friends are doing anything, once again. I need to get some more active friends. I like to go out and be social, but I have to be comfortable with a few people. I couldn't just venture out on my own or anything. So, hopefully I find something to do. Otherwise, I'll probably just watch Mona Lisa Smile. Rented it yesterday, looks kinda good.
I'm housesitting for my aunt until March 28th. Kinda fun, but I miss my bed already. Hopefully John will buck up and stay here with me, eventhough he claims he sleeps horribly here. It's his boyfriend duty isn't it?? Well, it should be-I'd do it for him dangit.
Anyways, I have to go pick up my sister from school, finish some laundry, shower, and be to babysitting by 5. Crapola, less than two hours.
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| ~*High Maintenence Bizzo*~ |
| 03.10.04 (9:45 pm) [edit] |
That's my new title. I'm so retarded, I feel like I always have something that's bothering me. In the end, all it's going to do is drive John away.
I've been really bothered by our schedules. I work 6am to 230pm, while he works 2pm to 10pm. That makes for wonderful quality time, yeah right. So, I go home and take a nap to comply with his need to stay up until 4am. I can't take it, it's straining the hell out of my body. I've been so afraid to say anything though because I don't want him to freak out and think I'm demanding and all that other stuff that sends dudes packing.
Finally, after about two months, I said something. I just wish he would get up at like 9am and do everything he wants to do. Then we could spend like 10pm to midnight together and he'd still get that full nights sleep until 9am. I really think it would help him out too to be on a more normal schedule.
Now I just look like the crazy girlfriend that expects him to adapt to me and change too much. It will piss him off and all of his friends and I'll get the boot. Fabulous. Really I just need to be able to function, and I think it would help out his stress levels to have that normal time to get shit done.
Oh well, what can I do right. Yea, I'll play it off like I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
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| working with children |
| 03.07.04 (2:03 am) [edit] |
...is driving me insane!
It's 4am and this is running through my head;
I'm gonna wrap myself in paper
I'm gonna dot myself with glue
Stick some stamps on top of my head
I'm gonna mail myself to you
I'm gonna tie me up in a red string
I'm gonna tie a blue ribbon too
Climb up inside my mailbox
I'm gonna mail myself to you
When you find me in your mailbox
Cut the string and let me out
Wash the glue from off my fingers
Stick some bubblegum in my mouth
When you find me in your mailbox
Wash the glue from off my head
Fill me up with ice cream sodas
Tuck me into a nice warm bed.
I'm gonna wrap myself in paper
I'm gonna dot myself with glue
Stick some stamps on top of my head
I'm gonna mail myself to you
STOP THE INSANITY!
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| Can someone put me out of my misery? |
| 03.06.04 (6:15 pm) [edit] |
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I slept 20.5 hours yesterday. Piss on my Friday night. Now tonight, no one is doing a damn thing! My friends all suck. Not a one of them is planning on leaving their house. My other friends are out, they always are. Hitch: they're John's friends so I can't go out with them. John is going out with the guys again, so if I want to hang out with those guys I'm intruding. I'm pissed off at this weekend I've been so much waiting for after a shitty ass week at work. Fantastic I'll sit home tonight and be pissed off to start off another work week. Then I can look forward to next weekend and not do a damn thing. Fucking Awesome. This state fucking rawks.
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| someone get Sheena Easton out of my head!! |
| 03.06.04 (1:31 pm) [edit] |
I wake up every mornin', I stumble out of bed
Stretchin' and yawnin', another day ahead
It seems to last forever, and time goes slowly by
Till babe and me's together, then it starts to fly
'Cause the moment that he's with me, time can take a flight
The moment that he's with me, everything's alright
Night time is the right time, we make love
Then it's his and my time, we take off
CHORUS:
My baby takes the morning train,
He works from nine till five and then,
He takes another home again to find me waitin' for him
REPEAT CHORUS
He takes me to a movie, or to a restaurant, to go
Slow dancing, anything I want
Only when he's with me, I catch light
Only when he gives me, makes me feel alright
CHORUS:
My baby takes the morning train,
He works from nine till five and then,
He takes another home again to find me waitin' for him
All day I think of him, dreamin' of him constantly
I'm crazy mad for him, and he's crazy mad for me
When he steps off that train, I'm heading for, a fight
Work all day to earn his pay, so we can play all night
CHORUS:
My baby takes the morning train,
He works from nine till five and then,
He takes another home again to find me waitin' for him
(chorus repeats out)
He's always on that morning train
He works so hard
To find me waiting for him...
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| bored |
| 03.06.04 (12:48 pm) [edit] |
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I wish that if I typed fast enough, my keyboard would take off and take me to somewhere amuzing
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| 100 things |
| 03.03.04 (8:33 pm) [edit] |
1. my name is Rachel
2. I've been 21 for 6 months and 2 days
3. my favorite shoes are Mia clogs
4. I like dark colors
5. I have a half sister who is 12
6. I have more half siblings I don't know
7. I used to love to draw
8. but can't seem to make it work anymore
9. I have a boy named John
10. I'm learning to like cats
11. I'd rather be snuggling right now
12. I like starburst
13. I love my silver malibu
14. I want a midget as a personnal assistant
15. If I had a midget I would buy a monkey so that they could fight
16. I wish I had an SUV
17. Someday I'm going to be an SUV soccer mom
18. but I hope my kids play something cooler than soccer
19. I wish I could make up my own colony
20. I smell like pear glaze and biolage
21. My friends drive me crazy more than I like them
22. I wish they would find new friends sometimes
23. I have a God baby
24. I like pretty pens
25. I like extra thick paper
26. I don't not like thin paper
27. I like strawberry yogurt
28. I like it more with strawberry chunks in it
29. My boy loves computers
30. sometimes more than he loves me I think
31. I can be annoying
32. I worked out today
33. and got pissed that I'm so out of shape
34. I want to go on a vacation
35. and make out on the beach
36. I have over a hundred pairs of shoes
37. I have over twenty purses
38. I don't even know how many hoodies I have
39. I have msn, aol, yahoo, and icq
40. I'm hyperactive
41. I'm high maintinence
42. I talk a lot
43. This is the epitomy of bored
44. Not to mention retarded
45. I get paid Monday
46. I need to get better at saving money
47. I like plastic cups
48. better when they are filled with ice cold chocolate milk
49. I'm too critical of people
50. I don't give myself enough credit
51. I wish I had detachable arms
52. Then I could kick my own ass
53. and get work comp. for getting hurt at work
54. I wish I could sing better
55. I often don't think before I speak
56. sometimes I have a bad tone of voice
57. they get me in trouble
58. I've never been in big trouble though
59. I squirted ketchup packets on Ross Defoe in 5th grade
60. funny thing is, this isn't even drug induced
61. I wish I had a genie
62. I'd make wishes and stuff
63. like to have singing fish
64. My mom is weird
65. I must have been adopted
66. My ex boyfriend is a headcase
67. I had a crush on David in kindergarten
68. My best friend got to dance with him in the play
69. pissed me right off
70. I wish I had a cool nickname
71. My toenails are pink
72. My fingernails aren't
73. I have to work in 7 and a half hours
74. My co-workers should be shot
75. If only I had pistols in my ears...
76. I have 5 hermit crabs
77. only 3 of them have names
78. I should name them before they have an identity crisis
79. Shrinks are expensive
80. Good thing I have insurance
81. I believe in the supernatural
82. I'm going to visit people as a ghost when I die
83. and haunt the fuckers that make my life shitty
84. I wish my phone would ring
85. I have fun ringtones
86. I have Hanson in my head
87. I wish that song would stop
88. Paper roses are sweet
89. Thoughtful things for no reason are the best
90. I wish I had more of them
91. I'm a sucker for children
92. I'm dangerously gullible
93. I want to keep my friend Amber on a pedastal in my room
94. Then she can entertain me whenever I want
95. Girls are mean
96. I need to take more pictures of my friends
97. The ones I don't hate anyways
98. Peanut butter frosting is my guilty pleasure
99. really, anything peanut butter is
100. I'm the coolest person ever for doing this
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| Warm, sandy beaches |
| 03.02.04 (9:54 pm) [edit] |
Looks like we're potentially heading to Waikiki the week of end of April/beginning of May. We found some super cheap deals on airfare and hotels so it's doable.
Guess who better really get their ass in gear on saving money AND getting in shape!
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| vacation |
| 03.02.04 (10:46 am) [edit] |
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Well, John and I are talking about going on a vacation this spring. Although we have no clue as to where. Anyone have any ideas of somewhere we can go without accruing major expenses?
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| 10 minutes before this long day is over |
| 02.29.04 (9:50 pm) [edit] |
I spent the night with me. I'm not so sure if that was bad or good, but I got a lot of thinking done. I really hope it's a false alarm. If not, I can do this. It would definitly mess with my ideal way that my life was going to pan out, but I make decisions and I have to deal with the repurcussions.
John was just wonderful today. He could tell I was worried. He would throw out the kisses for no reason. He called just to say hi (I love it when he does that). He made sure to tell me I could call him if I needed to, eventhough he was with his friends. He's just fabulous. I hope he can be sure of our relationship soon, and not always questioning it. Blah I can tell I'm going to go into a cycle of blabbing so I'll quite before I start. I just need to go to bed before I get all worked up again.
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| upside down inside out |
| 02.29.04 (3:16 pm) [edit] |
I was all excited to talk about my great weekend, but it's been kind of blurred by other thoughts now. The hotel was a blast, we went out with friends last night for John's birthday, it was all fun. I got pretty intoxicated, as did everyone else.
I noticed last night though that I was done with my period already. Usually it tapers off on about day three and then picks back up, so I didn't think anything of it. This morning though, still no go. It was a little later than I had anticipated, although I haven't been keeping real close tabs on days lately, I can just tell when it's on its way. I'm not regular like to the day or anything anyways. All the signs came like normal. It started like I could tell it was going to. It wasn't quite as heavy as usual. Now, it's already done. It's been 3 days is all, usually it's 6.
I'm kind of freaking out, but not too badly. I've had a decently significant diet change, and my amount of physical activity has changed from nothing to three miles a day, my sleep schedule is all sorts of messed up. Right now I'm chalking it up to stress and all that stuff. Eventhough I want to freak out, I have to keep it to a minimum, I'm good at spazing for nothing-as stated in previous posts. Hopefully it's just stress like I want it to be.
I think if it came down to it John would be there. A girl's gotta wonder though. People do really strange things when stuff like this happens. Some people freak out and want nothing to do with it because it's not part of their plan. Some people think on it, decide there's nothing that can be changed now, and take it in stride.
I think John would be a combination of the two. I'm pretty sure he'd spaz and have to spend a couple days with himself to think. Then I think he'd come around. He's such an amazing man, I don't think he would be able to just walk away. I would hope that he wouldn't get totally freaked out on me and decide we couldn't be together. The way I see it now is that things are good. We are getting along, we've gotten really good at saying what we feel and talking through what bothers us, why would that change. Hopefully we could just take it in stride and do the best we could with what we had.
This is all prospective as I don't even know for sure. But I'm just trying to be responsible and think things through, for the 'just in case'. Good Lord, hopefully I'm just overreacting. I'm not ready for this, but I can step up if I have to.
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| whooooa |
| 02.29.04 (12:28 am) [edit] |
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druuuuuunnnkkkkkkk
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| formal meetings and awkward moments |
| 02.26.04 (9:56 pm) [edit] |
My car is FIXED!! Woohoo! Powersteering, coolant, keyless entry, AND power window. ALL fixed! That made me frickin week.
I got crazy and decided to take John to meet my grandparents last night. Eek! I haven't ever intentionally let a boyfriend meet my grandparents. But, I figured John was worthy. They were so excited to meet him. My grandma even made it a point to call and thank me today for bringing him by. My pappy loved him of course, because he liked his cars. It definitly wasn't as painful as I thought it would be (things are never as terrible as I freak out about them being).
Tonight I slept all evening. Met John after work at 10. Then we stopped out for a drink with his sister and her boyfriend. Some drunk lady kept talking to his sister about her and her boyfriend being married. Then his sister made a comment about our (John and mine) kids. I was like are you nuts?! One, I think it's a lot too soon to even joke about that. Two, we do Not need to add to the commitment issues we already have. So, I chuckled it off and prayed the subject would change.
Now, I have to get ready to go out of town for John's birthday. Fun fun.
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